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Dec. 23rd, 2010

Still shipping D/Hr though.

(no subject)

 (Piątek 28.11.2008 00:22)
Bo jeśli jestem dla Ciebie naprawdę ważny, to reszta odchodzi jakoś tak daleko~ i wiem że mogę żyć, mając przy sobie kogoś tak ważnego i odwzajemniającego moje uczucia

(Niedziela 30.11.2008 00:27)
żebyśmy mieszkali razem, niczego by mi w życiu nie brakowałoa
a tak to mam o czym marzyć ;3
i do czego dążyć



I'm dying.

Jun. 10th, 2008

Still shipping D/Hr though.

I feel so mature!

Ah, working. Something I never guessed I'd be good at, I mean - I always think I'm a ditz, I couldn't handle a job, and well, I surprise myself sometimes.

Worked for one day,  Saturday - just one day, I know - oh, but it was fifteen hours out in the hot, hot sun, without any shade and all. I had to handle kids, several kids at once. See, I worked at some kind of a fair, had to manage two games. Y'know, explain to kids how to play, help them, interact with them, make sure they're safe.

Basically my friend's reaction to me working there was "who the fuck was crazy enough to let YOU take care of KIDS, and SEVERAL of them?!".

I fully agreed with her. I used to hate kids so much and well, not like I love'em now but I kind of finally got that they have different personalities and shit, just like adults. So I can't dislike them all 'cause it'd be stupid.

Goddammit, some of the kids were so loveable. One became some kind of an assistant of mine, he was so adorable, kept helping me and talking to me, he told me his life story, haha - where he grew up, what time does he wake up at, small things like that. He even brought me the biggest ice cream he could find when he noticed I was feeling damn hot. Aww. Another - so young that he didn't talk yet - was shy at first but later kept leading me by my hand and not letting me go, wanted to play with me, ignored his dad when he begged him to leave me, haha, and brought me flowers all the time. Another aww. Another kid - I'd say he was seven years old - decided to draw me and he took so much care about making the picture detailed as much as possible, he even asked around for my name behind my back, haha. I kept his picture! I have it at home!

A few kids were so unbearable though, ugh.

Overall I was TIRED AS FUCK after work - I was home at 11PM! I thought I'd overheat there but I managed. Jesus, I never suspected that it would be so damn hard.

Surprisingly, I had fun, y'know? Great experience. I'd do it again.

And I got paid well, so.

Best thing is that nowadays when I'm out somewhere the parents of the kids recognize me. Like today, some guy give me a big, big smile when I was passing him - I knew he looked familiar! After some time I finally remembered that he was with his son at the fair, I even talked to him briefly.

Oh, and I'm going to Italy in just 20 days. Trying to make as much as possible out of it.

Aaand - I adore Martina Topley-Bird. Sandpaper Kisses and Ilya and oh, the whole two CDs are amazing!



On a side, unrelated note...
I miss some people for the wrong reasons.

Apr. 4th, 2008

Still shipping D/Hr though.

For God's sake.

I want a dog.

Or a cat.

I miss that feeling of closeness and trust and care and unconditional love (from both sides, mind you).

So, so fucking much.








I miss my Ares so much after reading this and later people's stories about their/their close ones love for their animals.

Mar. 4th, 2008

Still shipping D/Hr though.

Bwuh.

I don't really want to talk about anything related to my last entry, mmkay? So, meme (FORCED TO DO) to loosen up the atmosphere here.


Pointless.Collapse )

Got to finally post something that makes sense here! And comment on friends' journals. I'm talking about you, Rimon (ILY SO FUCKING MUCH ) and Ariel (LONG TIME NO TALK).

Feb. 13th, 2008

Still shipping D/Hr though.

...

This guy I know, he died in a car crash on the tenth of February.

Yesterday before maths I got a call from my friend, and she couldn't stop crying when she told me.

I think I stared at my phone for a while.

You just can't believe it if it comes so suddenly. Shock.

I had a math test after that and my hands were shaking so much when I was writing, but I stayed. I thought that using his death as an excuse for that would be low, even though  my friend told me to go home. After the lesson I went home, though. Then met up with others. We walked around in silence.

Staring at him today, when he was in an open casket wasn't that horrible, even though it was pretty clear that they had to... 'fix up' half of his face because it got--- well, destroyed in the crash. The worst was the atmosphere, his parents, classmates, friends with bloodshot eyes, someone breaking up and crying every few minutes, the flowers everywhere, shit. I entered the room with the casket only once, I just couldn't go there again later, because of--- everything.

And of 'course the pale, deathly pale face of his usually cheerful best friend, and the constant wailing of another. She cried, cried, cried, then was silent for a few minutes trying to comfort someone else, then cried again, repeat.

Of 'course I tried comforting her, several times, but I just didn't know what to say. Especially when she kept asking 'why?' and saying that he'd want us to be happy, not sad...

I tried to keep my face straight, really, but I couldn't. I hate crying in front of others, but what could I do? The atmosphere got to me, hard. I didn't really feel it for the most of the time, but my friend told me that I'm shaking a lot, and I noticed it when I had my second coffee - it almost fell from my hand.

I couldn't keep a straight face when I saw others crying so hard.

Our friend delivered the black humor ("well, finally everyone from our pack met up! We just chose an awful place, no?"), and even though we wanted to say 'stop', we laughed. 'Cause that's what you do. That's how you handle it.

Irony? He'll be buried on Valentine's Day. We'll bring flowers to the person we loved, no?

Honestly, it's not like I was his best friend or something, but I knew him for months now, partied with him a few good times. Enough to be sad now.

We still don't know what exactly happened there.

It was so horrible, when I embraced a few friends and they were crying into my shoulder, and when I tried to hold back my own tears but I couldn't, Jesus, and I stared hopelessly into the sky or someone else's eyes not knowing what to do, what to say, so I just stood there and stared straight ahead, blurry vision and all. And I noticed just now that my left palm is covered with red half-moon bruises, because I pressed my nails so hard against my hand when I was sitting next to someone who was crying so hard.

I'm seriously, seriously surprised that it hit me so hard.

I guess it's because it's the first time someone who wasn't my family and certainly wasn't old died. He was just seventeen.

Thanks to this I saw a side of my parents I never wanted to see. They completely didn't care about it, they didn't understand why I was sad and angry, they said there was no reason for me to not go to school that day, that I apparently should go and sit in class shaking. And not go today to bring flowers, say something to his family, mourn, say my goodbyes. And what, sit in class while he'll be buried? My uncle was the worst, though, when he not-so-subtly suggested that Tom was 'driving under influence then, for sure!'. And he made fun of it while I stood there staring at him. Fuck you, i wanted to say so much.

And when my dad said that he wouldn't go 'cause he doesn't care about friends, that's why he doesn't have them, because they're all bastards and etcetera, he started insulting and insulting.

I never knew my family was so fucking insensitive.

I think spelling to them that 'someone I knew just suddenly DIED, you stupid fucks' wouldn't work.

Shows how much my mom cares about me, when she saw that I'm silent the whole day and in an awful mood, and all she could do was complain and whine to my dad about 'my behavior'. That I'm acting like a bitch, why am I so angry, why am I snapping at them, why did I close myself in my room. That I have completely no reason to. Yes, I know death happens, but... fuck.

I wonder if they would be happy if everyone didn't even care if they died.

Life goes on, I know, but just let me feel awful for some time, please.

Feb. 9th, 2008

Still shipping D/Hr though.

Shortficshortfic.

I haven't seen the second season of Heroes - I mean, I've seen a few episodes but I don't know, I lost interest? I still love Nathan, though. and Petrellicest of 'course.

I've found my old Petrellicest drabble-things I wrote waaay back--- oh, I don't even remember when but it was a long time ago. I've gotten a bit nostalgic when I saw them and well, I'll just post them here, yanno? Sorry it's capitalization-less.




wish - a lone star shoots through the sky and peter closes his eyes; he imagines that it's not a star but something-- someone else riding the night skyline.

need - i'm so sorry, peter overhears the doctor telling his mother, and even though her strangled cry breaks his heart into little pieces, right now - inhaling and exhaling in short, raspy breaths - his mind, body, soul and just fingers seek for the strong, confident and protecting hand of his beloved brother.

dream - his yawn is cut short as he starts blinking confusedly; even though he can see that it's Heidi curled up against his chest, he could swear he just looked not into his wife's metallic blue eyes but into a pair of warm coco brown ones.

search - nathan had moments when he simply hated his life, especially when instead of hanging out with his friends when he was twelve he had to study under his father's watchful eyes. he never really was a child, so when a new one came to his family, a little baby boy, he couldn't help but be envious. a few short years later though he understood that he found his childhood here, with peter, the biggest gift of all, living out the things nathan couldn't have and sharing them with him; those thoughs flied through nathan's mind as he pushed the swing, smiling with his heart beating faster in his chest.

destroy - he ran as fast as speedy gonzales, speed of light on his frail, thin legs. tripping on a rock blurred out of his vision by frantic tears he felt a shoe connect with his rib. he almost reached the doors this time, almost, but safety is always too far away. he heard and felt something drop heavily on the pavement - an army bag - and looking up he saw a figure of a man, comfortingly familiar, dressed in a beautifully cut uniform, rage just reaching his eyes. peter smiled tearfully. he's back. home reached him this time.

fly - nathan knew this flying thing would become a problem, especially when peter got high - both literally and figuratively. he pondered if he should call the firefighters when peter got stuck between branches of an old oak tree, yelping and whining like a very vocal kicked kitten.

swim - he had the luck to see nathan flying around just in his underwear today, rushing to get ready to leave. peter sat transfixed in his chair, gaze following the man around like he was watching a tennis game, taking in the lean, rippling muscles, still untouched by aging. he fidgeted in his seat, beginning to feel ashamedly hot around his collar, when nate's eyes snapped to his, catching him red-handed. suddenly the air was as thick as water and just swallowing felt like drowning.

freeze - sometimes nathan wishes that he could stop time when peter was the cute as a button two years old, joyful six years old, or the adventurous eleven years old, not the jaded twenty-seven years old that he is now

jump - nathan told him that you've got to reach your goals one step at a time, so now peter was smiling cheerfully while rubbing his sore feet, after a few hours of using a pogo stick without a minute of rest; he was determined, he's sure he will soar through the skies one day.

run - peter rolled his eyes as he fumbled with the shoelaces of his both shoes sneakily tied together; he's never going to invite nate to play tag with him, never again!

mother -  nathan guessed it was understandable and very right that after his mother said that 'she knew all along' his breath got painfully caught in his throat, but very, very wrong that after she clarified that she meant their powers he sighed happily.

father - he loved his father, he really did. he just loved nathan, his mom, heidi, his nannies, his flat, the fridge, his new converse shoes, his toothbrush, orbit gum and his neighbors' iguana much more.

brother - all those couples, they barked out empty words about how they're 'connected by soul, mind, heart'... but which one could say that they were actually connected by something, by blood?

sister - do you know the feeling when you know you have to shoot a photo but you don't have your camera with you? peter knew it all to well, especially the day after nathan's bachelor party, when was woken up by a completely drunk nate, smeared lipstick sloppily painted on his mouth, a dress ripping off his broad shoulders with every small move he made.



I've also written about three complete fics - one is dream-like, confusing and I don't think I handled it well, the second one is a long-ish comedy one, the third is Heidi-centric about her life. They probably won't be posted, because I--- well, I have issues with them.


By the way, Cat Power has some amazing songs. Lived in Bars, Hate, Cross Bones Style, Ice Water--- they're incredible.


Completely unrelated IRL note - I quite like my social life lately. I meet up with different people, not those I see every time when I go out. T'was awkward at times but hell, making new friends is never a bad thing, no? Like today I completely accidentally met up and spent several hours with this girl I meet with basically only when we're going out in a wider group of friends, and her classmate who I know briefly (who is just so fucking adorable, she's such a doll). It was fun! And tomorrow I'm going to help find fitting jeans for this guy, I also met up with him and his girlfriend once, and with them and their group of friends too.

The only downside of this? I don't have time to meet up/talk with my older friends. Which kind of sucks, to be honest, I'll have to work out some time for her, seriously. Yeah, I'm talking about just one person now. Sorry Arleen, I hope I'll find some time for you soon, love. D;

Jan. 8th, 2008

Still shipping D/Hr though.

Sepia.

I was standing at a bus stop today.

I still had about five minutes until the bus arrived, so I decided to look around. I turned towards this not-even-close-to-thick park and watched. Behind it there was a road, many lights, cars passing in the distance, buildings and whatnot. Some paths going through it, a few people lazily walking around, old ladies carrying heavy bags, they probably went shopping, I have no idea. I don't remember the time exactly - something around half past four PM, I think, so it was slowly getting dark.

Basically, I don't really like winter, but at that moment I was slightly... overwhelmed, for a lack of a better word. The fact that the cold snow from the ground was biting into my shoe-protected toes, that chill was hanging in the air, that wind was blowing my hair into my face every moment stopped bothering me then. I just forgot about it for a minute.

Oh, how I enjoyed the view. I seriously tried to list every color that could combine into what I saw then. I remember... dust pink, some dull brown, with a dash of gray and pale yellow from street and car lights. It looked incredibly retro. Dusk was sepia inspired, and I mean that.

I wouldn't be surprised if I saw a horse there, or an elegantly dressed lady with a gentleman in a carriage. Oh, and baroque streetlights, don't ask.

I was looking back at all of it even when I was stepping into that damn bus, and I considered staying there and waiting there for the next one.

I never really appreciated that color--- what color was it, anyway? That combination.




1) Oh, Harry Potter fanfiction. What could I do without you, love? I still can't survive without it, specifically without m'dear Draco/Hermione. I'm still so pathetic. And bitter, bitter (true to my nickname! Mae means... yes.), BITTER over the damned epilogue.

Psh.

Anyway, yesterday I read: "The Ladder", by Cheryl Dyson (kind of OOC but good porn, and the ladder...), "Scrabble", by Melissa D (I was impressed, loved it), "Showered", by RoseWithThorns (very nice porn if you're picturing it in your head) and "Perfect Prefect", by Geena (top and controlling Hermione + whimpering Draco is so good sometimes).

Overall - got my daily fix.

Still bitter, though (I'm a spoiled kid when it comes to my precious OTP of all OTPs!).



2) arleen_05 is trying to make me like James Potter. Buh... I've never really warmed up to him. I got so much douchevibes from him that I didn't want to touch him with a ten foot pole, really, I read fics where he was in a smaller role or something, and that was it. Or some pointledd crack!porn. I've never had a fixed-in-my-mind relationship for him, nor did I really care if he was with Lily or not (although, after writing this one fic in Polish - don't ask - I think I began liking her, to the point that I would read Severus/Lily if someone recced me a good one).

She likes Sirius/James, I'm not really keen on that ship. So, just for her, I'm trying to fix someone up with James in my mind. That always helps me like a character, ha. I read a great fic of them, or just a good PWP and there's a damn bigger chance I'll the the character.

So, available pairings? Hm. I specifically went to Fictionalley for this (SCUSA! \! I used to post there! Guess which ship thread, lmao):

Het - James/Bellatrix, James/Narcissa.
Slash - James/Lucius, James/Regulus.

UUUGH. James/Narcissa intrigues me as fuck but I love the canon Lucius/Narcissa. I love them together! So I'd be most happy reading a fic where James is a one-time thing and she goes back to Lucius... so both J/N and J/L go dooown the drain.

Bellatrix is too lesbian for that (hahaha), so no J/B either.

Regulus... I guess I couldn't read that, too. Just doesn't seem right! I like Remus/Regulus, pre-Sirius/Remus. Agh.

I think I prefer James with girls. Quick, his generation females! Hmm.

Lily, Bellatrix, Narcissa... er, that's it.

Fuck, I'm going to have a problem with this guy, alright.


3) I noticed a fun thing - I love D/Hr muchmuch, yes? When I watch other shows/read other books/etc, I tend to pair up characters reminding me of them, both personality and appearance-wise. Hmm.

Like, for example - I was surfing channels the other day and I stopped on Zoey 101. I watched a few minutes; there was this arrogant, blond guy there, who went all pissy at this nerdy girl. Guess my reaction.

Lmao. Sawyer/Kate from Lost? Hello? Veronica/Logan? By stretch, Weevil/Lilly? Veronica/Lamb? Severus/Lily? Haa.

Oh, sleep. I have an awful lot of dreams lately, a few every night, even if I go to sleep for only a hour or two, really! I wake up with a head full of colors...

Jan. 5th, 2008

Still shipping D/Hr though.

Nonsensical after giving some thought, but still...

There's no symmetry in heterosexual relationships.

It fucking bothers me for some reason.












(I hate myself lately.)

Dec. 17th, 2007

Still shipping D/Hr though.

180 degrees... humm.

You know what I want to do? Go somewhere.

As simple as that, really! I have no idea why but my surroundings lately became so completely and utterly boring, even most of the people I know, geez. Maybe I'm thinking like a little spoiled kid but man, I thought they'd be more impulsive than they are. Meh, I'm basically speaking just about one person now, oh-so-cleverly hiding it under the word 'we'.

Why the fuck did I even write 'we' when I came clean about it like a sentence later?

Palm, forehead, slap Mae, yeah. I went though this routine several times this week.

Tangent (I had to dictionary.com this word, I had no idea if I'm using it well; oh, the things you learn by reading the Wiki page of QI episodes!): I'm usually quite full of myself when it comes to 'I'm-smarter-that-you-anyway!', sad but true - oh, only children - but lately I feel like an idiot. Idjit, even. I love that word. Er, after almost everything I say I'm all, "what? You dumbass", seriously. I don't know if it's the uneducated kind of idiot, or the damn goldfish memory kind of idiot, probably both.

(Goldfishes don't have bad memory, by the way! No animals were ever said to have bad memory! Thanks, QI!)

Back to the subject - lately I'm all, "oh, fuck this", I want to take some cash, some absolutely necessary things (CKM. You've got to have Sonnet's tits everywhere you go), someone worthy, aaaand jump on some train somewhere. Be back after the weekend, y'know. Go to one city or a few cities or whatnot... anywhere remotely big or interesting.

Actually the possibility of doing it - in percentage, to be nifty and full of bullshit! - got up by 69% (it was just an excuse to use this number, really, don't read too much into it), because I think I can check off the 'someone worthy'. Cash also, damn, Christmas = cash from family, yes! Now just to find some time, good weather, or just wait till summer.

Fuck winter.

Now, it's Christmas soon. My parents know how I love it.

Spit, spit, spit. I hate it.

I mean, festive, pretty, lights, beautiful! I kind of love it but the fact that I have to go to family gatherings then, those things, they make me go mad. Just give me gifts/cash and leave my alone, kthxbai. My preferred course of action.

Oh, how much I'd want to just run away on Christmas. I'm serious. Wake up on that damn day, grab someone, a bag, some cash and go to another city, away from my family and the gatherings and the lies and bullshit and fake smiles and bitching and whining and BREATHE.

Either walk around along a snowy path in some faraway city, or the main street with all those marvelous lights and festive shop windows, or rent a room and chill with a simple small cake and smile on your face, a honest one, planted there thanks to the euphoria or getting away...

Or just get drunk and run around singing Christmas carols at the top of your lungs, blessing some random city with your screeching voice.

I really don't feel like going around my family and 'celebrating'. I have nothing to celebrate, man. I'm stressed out. I'm undecided about things. I don't feel good about myself. Right now.

I want an adventure.

Or at least a new MP3/MP4 player, that'd be quite good too, thank you.

To wrap this up (ha! Gifts! Wrapping up! Like gifts, geddit? Er---), the most polish thing ever on this journal, inspired by m'dear arleen_05 - no, goddammit! Arleen. She's not just an LJ name to me. I know her very well personally, that blue LJ-username looks so cold and impersonal, dang... I snagged a meme from her and, well, it's basically just for her to fill out (revenge!). Who else reading this knows my native language?

Szprechen ju POLISH?Collapse )

Fin.

Aug. 29th, 2007

Still shipping D/Hr though.

Personal Canon

Haven't been updating LJ, not commenting friends' journals, etc. Reason: not much vacations left, spending computer time only to watch Veronica Mars, and it's going slowly because I'm out for the whole day/night/a few days all the time.

Anyway. You know how sometimes, when thinking about a character, you come up with a detail like that he prefers boxers than briefs, or she always eats red M&M's first, and it becomes canon in your mind?




I firmly believe that Nathan Petrelli, even though always tries to listen to classical music in his office or in front of other people, when he's alone he always listens to Neko Case. She's his favourite. I can see him driving alone out of the city, a lonely road, it's very hot, his jacket is off, a few buttons of his shirt opened, and he's blasting Neko Case.

Songs like "Set Out Running", "Somebody Led Me Away", "South Tacoma Way"... downloadable.

Yes, I'm just spreading the Neko Case love.

She needs to record a new album ASAP or I'll die soon.

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